The Beginning of the End

It's always a weird feeling to be moving on to a different stage of life.  Last year, we got married and moved to another country while I started a Masters degree.  Talk about life changes, right?  Now, we're at the point where that chapter of our lives is coming to a close, and I'm going to be honest - it's just as scary as last year.  Terrifying, really.  In just over a month, Seth and I are moving back to Minnesota, where we will have no home (save an air mattress in my parents' basement), no jobs and no income, and - at least on my part - a dissertation to complete.

I've been able to distance myself from the fact that we're leaving since we're waiting for our final loan disbursement, and until we have that, we don't have plane tickets to take us back across the Atlantic.  No flights set in stone means that we're not leaving yet.  But our money is due anytime - it's been tacked on to my FedLoan account - and July is just around the corner.  July is our last month.

Today I started writing a detailed outline of my dissertation - which, of course, I postponed in order to write this blog post - and I'm aiming to finish an introduction by next week.  I've been dreading the day I have to start writing this beast, but I can't put it off any longer.  Time to leave the comfort of books and journals and take my best shot at a draft.  But, as Hemingway says, "There is nothing to writing.  All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed."  Bring on the bloody keyboard.

It just started dumping rain outside.  As much as I've disliked our constant walks to Tesco and Sainsbury's in the rain, there's something comforting about watching it outside the window.  There is beauty in the gray skies and shiny streets, the damp smell drifting through the open window, the sound of water cascading off of roofs.  I'm really going to miss this.

So what have we been up to these past couple months? I finished the final papers for my courses early in May, and since then, I've had a daily routine of reading and researching for hours every day, leaving the room only for necessities like groceries, laundry, church, and the odd social gathering.  Seth and I also spent our evening watching all six series of Doctor Who.  It's been comforting and relaxing, a nice break after the stress of finishing the semester.  I imagine this week will be the last bit of relaxation, though; after our money comes through, it's going to be a crazy month of lasts.  Last trips, last nights out, last time seeing people.  Last goodbyes.

My parents and brother came out to visit us at the end of May / beginning of June, and it was wonderful to see them again.  Really, I hadn't seen them since the wedding, and it was kind of weird being "part of the family" again, yet still a little more separate than I'd ever been since Seth is my family now.  But we had a great time showing them around Dublin, Derry, and the north coast.  It was the first time that Seth had actually gotten up to the Giant's Causeway too.  They got lucky with a Northern Irish summer too - leaving me with a nasty sunburn on the back of my neck because I was expecting wind and drizzle instead of sunshine and humidity.  My delicate, ghostly skin couldn't stand the sun after living here for almost a year.  Unfortunately, my family missed the Olympic Torch relay into Derry - it was only a day after they flew out of Dublin. Once in a lifetime opportunity, though.

So that's it - this is the beginning of the end.  A time of hard work and writing, and a time of enjoying every last moment.  A time to say goodbye to a wonderful year in Northern Ireland, and a time to welcome the changes to come with our transition back to Minnesota.  A time of uncertainty and doubt, yet a time for faith in everything wonderful to come.

Keeping Faith in Academia

I realized something the other day during class.  It’s been going on all year, but I never quite noticed until now: keeping a strong faith in God is really hard in the world of academia, especially at Master’s level at a public university.  

It’s a sneaky process and has everything to do with cynicism.  Everything we do and discuss in class revolves around critical analysis and picking apart different theories and strategies in peace and conflict studies.  Critical thinking is essential, and I’m not saying faith is incompatible with questioning and analysis.  In some ways this skill is incredibly underdeveloped in the Christian community and so many people would benefit from analyzing their beliefs instead of accepting the spoon-feeding of others around them.

But in peace and conflict studies, it’s hard to escape from the cynicism.  So many people and organizations have such great intentions for establishing peace in post-conflict societies, but it's hard to be positive when such great intentions often lead to more harm than good.  Countless articles are written about how peacebuilding can be improved, yet all the scholarly articles come to is empty words.  It’s idealistic, and the world is corrupted by selfish motivations and bureaucracy behind the so-called altruistic motives of rebuilding societies and establishing peace democracy.  See?  There it is.  Cynicism.

It gets to the point where I observe politics and policies and I’m almost embarrassed to be American.  And unfortunately, the same cynicism rears its head as I observe the words and actions of many Christians.  Christians who spread messages of hate and rejection instead of Christ’s love and life-changing power.  Christians who use “Christian values” as a political platform.  (Not that faith should be something hidden away – absolutely not – but when it’s used as a tool to gain power, status, and wealth, something seems off.)  These Christians are the ones influencing the world’s opinions, and in academia, faith in Christ is looked down upon as backwards, lacking reason, hypocritical, and narrow-minded.  

This is the world I’ve been immersed in for the past 8 months, and it’s been all I can do to keep clinging to what I know is right and good.  Without finding some of the Christian community here in Derry (Ebrington Presbyterian and the Magee Christian Union) and without the support of Seth, I honestly might have lost faith by now.  It’s a scary thought, and I thank God every day that He’s kept me close.

I feel like I should end this with some great wisdom or encouragement.  But honestly, all I can say is that this last year has been a challenge, and I think God has used this time in school to strengthen me.  After all, it’s not going to get better once I leave academia again to go into the workforce.  It’ll probably never get better.  But I’m here, I’m on the right path, and most importantly – I’m not alone.

Happiness Measured by Cats

Literally and figuratively.  (Just the other day, I saw three cats on my walk home from class.  One was so close to the sidewalk that I could reach over and scratch his head - the first time I've touched a cat in months.  I happened to be on the phone with Seth, but apparently he couldn't understand a word I was saying due to the sudden onset of "kitty-talk".  Good thing no one else was nearby.)

But really, the last couple months have really been a lesson in simplicity and patience.  Until the end of last week, Seth and I had been dealing with financial frustration.  Our loan disbursement was supposed to start processing on January 23, and we finally received the money on February 22.  During that month, we had to wade through a lack of communication, staff inefficiency (one person had retired in December and the other was on sick leave), and a constant weight of not-knowing as the bank account dwindled and the days dragged on and there was nothing we could do.  I worried, I stressed out, and found myself angry with U of Ulster and the financial department.  It was a constant battle to tell myself, "Look, the money's coming.  Relax. You can't help anything by worrying, and God will provide for you."

During the financial uncertainty, we had to live simply.  It wasn't like we had been extravagant, but our budget was cut down to food.  More specifically, food that was cheap, (hopefully) healthy, and that would fill us up.  Lots of pasta, rice, fresh vegetables, etc.  We didn't go out to do anything.  Valentine's Day passed us by (though Seth bought me beautiful flowers and Tesco chocolates).

So really, my happiness had to come not from "awesome experiences in another country exploring culture", but from the little things - a big change from other times that I've traveled.  Like seeing cats outside when I'm walking.  The opening of the Ebrington barracks into the new courtyard, which cut off a good 10 minutes from our walk to church on Sunday. Seth doing a silly dance when he walks by me as I do homework just so I'll laugh.  The man in church who always manages to sing either off-key or off-rhythm (or both) but somehow never loses his enthusiasm.  Being able to talk on the phone with my mom for so long that O2 drops the call.  A really good cup of coffee (not easy in the land of instant).  Enjoying what I'm learning again.

In a way, it's just part of life.  Once the novelty of living in a country that's not your own wears off, you've got to swap perspectives.  It's home for the year, and with "home" comes all of the dreary, day-to-day tasks that you have to learn to enjoy.  Yes, it's no cakewalk living in a college dorm with flatmates who don't know how to wash dishes and clean up after themselves, but we're here, and I have to keep a positive attitude.  There's plenty of things in which to find joy.  After all, the living situation is only temporary, and I know God has me here for a reason.

"Simple living" aside, Seth and I did make a short trip out to Dublin last weekend for his 24th (and golden!) birthday.  It was only a couple days, but it was so much fun to get back into a big city again and to be able to spend time together.

And yes, we did get to the Guinness brewery at St. James' Gate. Seth wanted to go for his birthday, so how could I refuse? ;)

We also did a hop on, hop off bus tour, ate a full Irish breakfast, toured Kilmainham Gaol, took a walk in St. Stephen's Green (in the sunshine!), toured the old Jameson distillery, and visited the Irish Writers' Museum. 

(As a side note: we also stayed at Cassidy's, the same hotel I stayed at when we were in Dublin for England Term.  Good times.)

So I haven't updated this blog recently, but that should give you a good idea of what's going on right now.  I'm in week 5 of classes and have my first assignment due Tuesday, so this is really when things get busy.  Another assignment two weeks after that, then a whirlwind visit from Lynette and Tony for Easter break, then a group presentation, a test, and a couple more essays at the beginning of May - all while trying to narrow down my dissertation topic and begin those preparations (and think about moving back to the States).  Suddenly, a Master's degree in a year is hard.  Eeesh.

Of course, I'm also battling a cold / cough that attacked me on Sunday, so let's hope I can kick it in the unmentionables before I get behind in my work.

Alright, I'm out.  Cheers!