The Beginning of the End

It's always a weird feeling to be moving on to a different stage of life.  Last year, we got married and moved to another country while I started a Masters degree.  Talk about life changes, right?  Now, we're at the point where that chapter of our lives is coming to a close, and I'm going to be honest - it's just as scary as last year.  Terrifying, really.  In just over a month, Seth and I are moving back to Minnesota, where we will have no home (save an air mattress in my parents' basement), no jobs and no income, and - at least on my part - a dissertation to complete.

I've been able to distance myself from the fact that we're leaving since we're waiting for our final loan disbursement, and until we have that, we don't have plane tickets to take us back across the Atlantic.  No flights set in stone means that we're not leaving yet.  But our money is due anytime - it's been tacked on to my FedLoan account - and July is just around the corner.  July is our last month.

Today I started writing a detailed outline of my dissertation - which, of course, I postponed in order to write this blog post - and I'm aiming to finish an introduction by next week.  I've been dreading the day I have to start writing this beast, but I can't put it off any longer.  Time to leave the comfort of books and journals and take my best shot at a draft.  But, as Hemingway says, "There is nothing to writing.  All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed."  Bring on the bloody keyboard.

It just started dumping rain outside.  As much as I've disliked our constant walks to Tesco and Sainsbury's in the rain, there's something comforting about watching it outside the window.  There is beauty in the gray skies and shiny streets, the damp smell drifting through the open window, the sound of water cascading off of roofs.  I'm really going to miss this.

So what have we been up to these past couple months? I finished the final papers for my courses early in May, and since then, I've had a daily routine of reading and researching for hours every day, leaving the room only for necessities like groceries, laundry, church, and the odd social gathering.  Seth and I also spent our evening watching all six series of Doctor Who.  It's been comforting and relaxing, a nice break after the stress of finishing the semester.  I imagine this week will be the last bit of relaxation, though; after our money comes through, it's going to be a crazy month of lasts.  Last trips, last nights out, last time seeing people.  Last goodbyes.

My parents and brother came out to visit us at the end of May / beginning of June, and it was wonderful to see them again.  Really, I hadn't seen them since the wedding, and it was kind of weird being "part of the family" again, yet still a little more separate than I'd ever been since Seth is my family now.  But we had a great time showing them around Dublin, Derry, and the north coast.  It was the first time that Seth had actually gotten up to the Giant's Causeway too.  They got lucky with a Northern Irish summer too - leaving me with a nasty sunburn on the back of my neck because I was expecting wind and drizzle instead of sunshine and humidity.  My delicate, ghostly skin couldn't stand the sun after living here for almost a year.  Unfortunately, my family missed the Olympic Torch relay into Derry - it was only a day after they flew out of Dublin. Once in a lifetime opportunity, though.

So that's it - this is the beginning of the end.  A time of hard work and writing, and a time of enjoying every last moment.  A time to say goodbye to a wonderful year in Northern Ireland, and a time to welcome the changes to come with our transition back to Minnesota.  A time of uncertainty and doubt, yet a time for faith in everything wonderful to come.

Keeping Faith in Academia

I realized something the other day during class.  It’s been going on all year, but I never quite noticed until now: keeping a strong faith in God is really hard in the world of academia, especially at Master’s level at a public university.  

It’s a sneaky process and has everything to do with cynicism.  Everything we do and discuss in class revolves around critical analysis and picking apart different theories and strategies in peace and conflict studies.  Critical thinking is essential, and I’m not saying faith is incompatible with questioning and analysis.  In some ways this skill is incredibly underdeveloped in the Christian community and so many people would benefit from analyzing their beliefs instead of accepting the spoon-feeding of others around them.

But in peace and conflict studies, it’s hard to escape from the cynicism.  So many people and organizations have such great intentions for establishing peace in post-conflict societies, but it's hard to be positive when such great intentions often lead to more harm than good.  Countless articles are written about how peacebuilding can be improved, yet all the scholarly articles come to is empty words.  It’s idealistic, and the world is corrupted by selfish motivations and bureaucracy behind the so-called altruistic motives of rebuilding societies and establishing peace democracy.  See?  There it is.  Cynicism.

It gets to the point where I observe politics and policies and I’m almost embarrassed to be American.  And unfortunately, the same cynicism rears its head as I observe the words and actions of many Christians.  Christians who spread messages of hate and rejection instead of Christ’s love and life-changing power.  Christians who use “Christian values” as a political platform.  (Not that faith should be something hidden away – absolutely not – but when it’s used as a tool to gain power, status, and wealth, something seems off.)  These Christians are the ones influencing the world’s opinions, and in academia, faith in Christ is looked down upon as backwards, lacking reason, hypocritical, and narrow-minded.  

This is the world I’ve been immersed in for the past 8 months, and it’s been all I can do to keep clinging to what I know is right and good.  Without finding some of the Christian community here in Derry (Ebrington Presbyterian and the Magee Christian Union) and without the support of Seth, I honestly might have lost faith by now.  It’s a scary thought, and I thank God every day that He’s kept me close.

I feel like I should end this with some great wisdom or encouragement.  But honestly, all I can say is that this last year has been a challenge, and I think God has used this time in school to strengthen me.  After all, it’s not going to get better once I leave academia again to go into the workforce.  It’ll probably never get better.  But I’m here, I’m on the right path, and most importantly – I’m not alone.

Happiness Measured by Cats

Literally and figuratively.  (Just the other day, I saw three cats on my walk home from class.  One was so close to the sidewalk that I could reach over and scratch his head - the first time I've touched a cat in months.  I happened to be on the phone with Seth, but apparently he couldn't understand a word I was saying due to the sudden onset of "kitty-talk".  Good thing no one else was nearby.)

But really, the last couple months have really been a lesson in simplicity and patience.  Until the end of last week, Seth and I had been dealing with financial frustration.  Our loan disbursement was supposed to start processing on January 23, and we finally received the money on February 22.  During that month, we had to wade through a lack of communication, staff inefficiency (one person had retired in December and the other was on sick leave), and a constant weight of not-knowing as the bank account dwindled and the days dragged on and there was nothing we could do.  I worried, I stressed out, and found myself angry with U of Ulster and the financial department.  It was a constant battle to tell myself, "Look, the money's coming.  Relax. You can't help anything by worrying, and God will provide for you."

During the financial uncertainty, we had to live simply.  It wasn't like we had been extravagant, but our budget was cut down to food.  More specifically, food that was cheap, (hopefully) healthy, and that would fill us up.  Lots of pasta, rice, fresh vegetables, etc.  We didn't go out to do anything.  Valentine's Day passed us by (though Seth bought me beautiful flowers and Tesco chocolates).

So really, my happiness had to come not from "awesome experiences in another country exploring culture", but from the little things - a big change from other times that I've traveled.  Like seeing cats outside when I'm walking.  The opening of the Ebrington barracks into the new courtyard, which cut off a good 10 minutes from our walk to church on Sunday. Seth doing a silly dance when he walks by me as I do homework just so I'll laugh.  The man in church who always manages to sing either off-key or off-rhythm (or both) but somehow never loses his enthusiasm.  Being able to talk on the phone with my mom for so long that O2 drops the call.  A really good cup of coffee (not easy in the land of instant).  Enjoying what I'm learning again.

In a way, it's just part of life.  Once the novelty of living in a country that's not your own wears off, you've got to swap perspectives.  It's home for the year, and with "home" comes all of the dreary, day-to-day tasks that you have to learn to enjoy.  Yes, it's no cakewalk living in a college dorm with flatmates who don't know how to wash dishes and clean up after themselves, but we're here, and I have to keep a positive attitude.  There's plenty of things in which to find joy.  After all, the living situation is only temporary, and I know God has me here for a reason.

"Simple living" aside, Seth and I did make a short trip out to Dublin last weekend for his 24th (and golden!) birthday.  It was only a couple days, but it was so much fun to get back into a big city again and to be able to spend time together.

And yes, we did get to the Guinness brewery at St. James' Gate. Seth wanted to go for his birthday, so how could I refuse? ;)

We also did a hop on, hop off bus tour, ate a full Irish breakfast, toured Kilmainham Gaol, took a walk in St. Stephen's Green (in the sunshine!), toured the old Jameson distillery, and visited the Irish Writers' Museum. 

(As a side note: we also stayed at Cassidy's, the same hotel I stayed at when we were in Dublin for England Term.  Good times.)

So I haven't updated this blog recently, but that should give you a good idea of what's going on right now.  I'm in week 5 of classes and have my first assignment due Tuesday, so this is really when things get busy.  Another assignment two weeks after that, then a whirlwind visit from Lynette and Tony for Easter break, then a group presentation, a test, and a couple more essays at the beginning of May - all while trying to narrow down my dissertation topic and begin those preparations (and think about moving back to the States).  Suddenly, a Master's degree in a year is hard.  Eeesh.

Of course, I'm also battling a cold / cough that attacked me on Sunday, so let's hope I can kick it in the unmentionables before I get behind in my work.

Alright, I'm out.  Cheers!

Tis the Season

Classes are done and all assignments turned in, except for a paper due January 10th.  That means it's time to enjoy the holidays with Seth and take a bit of a break!

We have a dinky little Charlie Brown tree set up on the side of the desk with a small pile of packages underneath.  We've gotten some packages in the mail from our families, and the rest of the boxes are presents we bought for each other.  While we were together.  So there won't be many surprises this year since I know exactly what Seth bought for me, but it was really the easiest thing to do.  When you can't just hop in a car and drive to the store, it's much nicer to have company during the walk into the city centre. 

Christmas really isn't about the gifts this year (not that it is any year, but even more starkly this year).  There's no point to accumulating "stuff" for Christmas when we won't be able to bring it back home.  We bought each other things that were either edible or small things that we needed (a 2012 daily planner for me, new slippers for Seth, etc.), and asked for things we missed from home from our families (Kraft mac & cheese, Caribou Coffee, etc.).   Our real gift to each other is a trip (hopefully) to Edinburgh, Scotland for a week.  Since we're living off of loans anyway, we might as well enjoy our access to travel that we won't have again for ages.

But Christmas itself is going to be most likely the only Christmas that will be relaxing and commitment-free.  It will be just Seth and me - nowhere to go and no one to see.  In all actuality, as much as we're going to miss our families, we're really looking forward to Christmas.  Sleeping in, opening gifts together, cooking Christmas dinner... that kind of relaxed holiday doesn't come around that often.

Last Sunday, we went to a candlelight Christmas carol service at Ebrington.  It really was a beautiful service: carols alternating with scripture readings and accompaniment by a Flute band.  Since church is at 10am (instead of 11:30am) on Christmas day and we have a 45 minute walk, we're not going back until after Christmas and going to that service was a good reminder to get my priorities in check for the Christmas season.  Hopefully, having a nice quiet Christmas will also give me the opportunity to reflect on what Christmas is really for without all the normal distractions.

So, here's to a Christmas season of firsts: first Christmas with Seth, first Christmas away from home, first Christmas in another country.  God has done so much for us this year, and I know we'll be in good hands for 2012.  :)

It's Winter Again

It's getting to the point of my time here that the romance of being newly married and living in Northern Ireland is drifting away.  Now, that's not to say that I regret anything: absolutely not! I married the man I love and I know I'm following God's plan, but it seems a lot more like everyday life than an exciting adventure right now.  It's not "new" anymore.

I think it's because it's December now, and winter has a whole different feel than the fall.  Going out to the grocery store is no longer an enjoyable walk that we can do together; when the rain and icy wind sting your face and hands when you go outside, staying in sounds much more preferable.  Waking up for class seems much more like a chore when the daylight is no longer creeping through the curtains when I have to get out of bed.  The semester is drawing to a close (bringing more intense coursework) and the holiday season is just around the corner.  As excited as I am to have a quiet Christmas with just Seth, it will still be my first Christmas in 23 years where I won't be with my parents and family.  The same goes for Seth, too.  Christmas will be small, quiet, relaxed, and likely stress-free - hooray! - but possibly a little bit lonely in the deserted dormitories.

I know this post seems like I'm feeling down, but I'm not.  I love where we are and I love living with Seth (even if he is currently snoring during his afternoon nap while I'm writing this), and were I given the opportunity to change anything, I'd still be here, with him. 

Fortunately, we've had more of an opportunity to travel in the last month.  At the beginning of November, we went with the Magee Christian Union to Ballintoy, which is on the northern coast of NI.  It's right by the Carrick-a-Rede rope bridge, and Seth and I made sure to go and see it while we were nearby.  The coastline there is amazing - one of the most beautiful places in the world. 

It was a busy weekend, but it was blessedly free from rain all weekend.  I may not have been here long, but I've been here long enough to know that beautiful weekends like that don't come around too often.

There are a lot of good people in the CU too, and I think both of us enjoyed getting to know them a little better over the weekend.

A couple weeks later, Seth and I took a day trip in to Belfast.  It was the day of the Christmas light switch-on and the first day of the Continental Christmas market (and a Saturday), so the whole city was flooded with people.  We made it a touristy day and took a bus tour of all the landmarks in the city: Seth has never been there, and I was there with a host family on England term so I saw some parts of the city but not others.  It was good for both of us to be able to do the tour together.

The Christmas market was by the City Hall, right in the center of the city.  We stopped by to explore after we ate an early dinner (TGI Friday's - sometimes, a little taste of home is appealing) and the market was a mass of people.  I had to clutch my purse to my chest because there would be no way to notice pickpocketing, and if someone with a baby stroller stopped in front of us to give their kid a sweet (which they did - a lot), we'd be trapped for several minutes until we could shoulder our way into the crowd slowing parting around them.  Still - mulled wine and fudge made everything better.

It was an exhausting but fun day, and we're hoping to get back to Belfast sometime when the holiday shopping season isn't in full swing. 

So there's a brief update - I'm off to take my "Sabbath evening of rest" after typing up an essay outline earlier.  A little relaxation can go a long way for morale.

Diving into schoolwork

It's been a couple weeks since my last update, and in the true spirit of being back in school, I'm updating my blog instead of starting in on my homework for the day.  Once a student, always a student, I guess.

So I left off on my last post saying that I had a part time job, and there's actually a really funny story about that.  I'll preface this story by saying that when they called me to tell me when I was starting, they said, "We'll have you start this weekend.  Why don't you come in Friday morning for some training?"  Maybe my definition of "training" is different than other people's - and from talking to a lot of people it's not - but usually "starting this weekend" and "come in for training" means that yes, you have the job.

Clearly not.  I came in and worked for five hours that Friday morning, and they had me working the sandwich/bap/panini station during the lunch rush, which I've never done before.  Not to mention that I had to learn a new language of sorts - it's white, brown, or granary bread, not white or wheat.  I had to catch myself all the time.  But at the end of my five hours, the owners pulled me into the kitchen (since they didn't have an office).

They told me that from my CV (resume) they were expecting far more out of me, someone who could jump in and just start running since there would be less people working on weekends.  They also said that I wasn't outgoing enough and that it wasn't going to work out.

They paid me (cash in an envelope), but isn't the point of training to train?  I know coffee, and I know customer service, but at a new job, policies and equipment are always different.  Learning a new job is always a process of adjusting what you know to how things work at the new place.  I'm sorry if asking questions about where things were and how to make things according to their standards wasn't good enough for them.  Fortunately, I can take the word of my bosses at Dairy Queen (where I worked 5 years) and at Uncommon Grounds (where I worked 1 year) over the words of some people for whom I worked for five hours.  I know I'm a good worker and friendly with customers.

Chances are that there was something going on behind the scenes and they had decided not to hire me before I even started.  I just wish they wouldn't have told me I had the job - knowing that they were just testing me out would have been a whole lot better instead of deceiving me.  I wouldn't have done anything different - I did my best - but at least it wouldn't have been such a surprise.

The plus side of not working is that I get to spend a whole lot more time with Seth and that I have much more time to work on my schoolwork.  The first week of November I have two papers due (one in each class), one of which is 30% of my mark and the other which is 50%.  They're really important, to state the obvious.

Last week I finished the draft of my first paper, a critical review on an article.  This weekend I've been reading and researching for my second paper, an essay on why some nonviolent campaigns succeed whilst others fail.  It's only 2,500 words, but it should have around 10 sources and since it is half my mark, it has to be really good.  So I'm aiming to finish writing that by the end of next weekend so that I have time to do some editing on both.  I've always done well in the world of academia, so hopefully I'll be able to pull these off.  Come on, English degree.  You've got to be useful for something, right?

So that's what I've been doing lately.  I'm really looking forward to when I turn these papers in, because then I'll be able to take a short break before working on assignments due at the beginning of December.  Plus, since I'm not working weekends, Seth and I decided to go with the Christian Union on a weekend retreat on the 4th to 6th of November, conveniently right after my papers are due.  It'll also be the first time we're getting out of Derry, so it's kind of exciting.  Hopefully we'll get to start doing a little bit of sightseeing soon.  It would be a shame not to see some of Ireland and Northern Ireland while we're here.

But I should stop procrastinating and get on with my reading.  I still have three books I want to get through today so that I can start doing some outlining and brainstorming.  So until next time, I guess.  :)

Finding a rhythm

Seth and I have been living here in Northern Ireland for several weeks now, and it seems like just recently that life has started to seem normal again.  But with the rate that things are changing, it's only a matter of time until that's thrown off again.

This semester I only have two classes - or modules, as they're called here - and the semester lasts through January.  The weird thing is that even though winter break is over at the beginning of January, I really don't have any obligations except for turning in one paper.  A lot of that time is for final exams, and my modules are graded only on coursework.  It may sound nice, but for one module, I'm only graded on two essays.  That means each essay is worth 50% of my grade, and when I'm writing for a new professor at a new school in a new country, it's a little nerve-wracking.  I'm counting on my English Lit & Writing background to save me in that field, so hopefully everything will work out.

On Tuesdays, I have one class - The Northern Ireland Conflict - from 10:15-12:05 and then 1:15-3:05.  We've started out learning a lot of Irish history and history of the Northern Ireland conflict and we'll be using it as a kind of case study as to how negotiation and peace process work in a conflict. 

On Thursday, I have Peace and Conflict Research from 9:30am-1:05pm with a few short breaks throughout.  That class is focused on learning the basic theories and ideas in the academic field of peace studies, how the study has developed, and some of the problems and advantages of peace studies as professional discipline.

I've been doing a lot of reading outside of class, most of which is self-directed.  My first essays will be due the first week in November, so I'll have to start working on those pretty soon.

Seth and I also started going to the Christian Union here on campus, both to expand our social life and to find a good young adult group to encourage us in our faith.  It meets every Tuesday night and focuses on Bible study, prayer, worship, developing friendships, and evangelism.  We also joined small groups that meet on Wednesday nights; I just got back from my first meeting and Seth is still out at his.  I'm encouraged by the faith and sincerity of the people involved at CU, so hopefully good things will happen this year.

One of our biggest struggles in these first few weeks has been a lack of money.  Once I arrived on campus, I had to get a form from the international office, fill it out, bring it back to them so they could write an official letter to a UK bank, bring the letter to the bank, set up an account, and send my account information to the financial office so that my US loans could be transferred to my UK bank account.  Until today, we still had no money in that account and were looking at maxed out credit cards and about $500 in each of our checking accounts.  It wasn't so low that we couldn't buy food, but it was low enough that we had to be really frugal on what we were buying.  (This was a result of paying $1,700 each for accommodation in August, our wedding, our honeymoon in London, and buying a lot of necessary things we were not able to bring with us in our suitcases.)

But - thanks be to God - the money was in the account today!  We still have to work out a budget, but we can at least afford the luxury of a coffeemaker, which we bought today as a celebration.  (A whole £15, woohoo!)

We've also improved our relationship with our flatmates.  Last Wednesday, instead of leaving the kitchen after we cooked dinner, we sat around and talked with them and actually got to know them.  We still haven't spent a lot of time together, but at least we're past the awkwardness where we only say "hi" in the kitchen and that's it.  They were all curious about Thanksgiving, so we're planning to have a Thanksgiving dinner together as a flat.  It won't be the same as a family Thanksgiving, but it should still be a lot of fun.

The next big hurdle we have is jobs.  I was lucky enough to get a job at a coffee house really close to campus - just a 10 minute walk from Duncreggan.  I start training for a couple hours Friday morning and then start working on Saturday and Sunday, and hopefully I can work that into my weekly rhythm.  So far weekends have been quiet, low-key, and quite relaxing, but now I'll have 18 hours of work to smoosh in there.  It'll be a couple long days - 8am-6pm on Saturday and 10am-5pm on Sunday, but that means work will not be a concern for the rest of the week.  I'm legally capped at 20 hours anyway, so it's a pretty good situation.

Keep praying that Seth will be able to find work, though.  We're not exactly certain on the status of his visa since it doesn't give him a number of work hours like mine does, so we don't know if he has to apply for some sort of work permit (or how to do that if he does) or if it's just assumed that he can do 40 hours since it's an 18-month visa.  It's confusing.

So now that the loans are dispersed, the classes have started, and our social life is picking up, I think we're finally starting to settle in to our life here in Derry. It's almost starting to feel like home, even.  Not quite - since I have no kittens to cuddle - but almost.